Chrismahannakwanzikuh wish list
It’s the holiday season, which means cheer, good will, dodging tourists, and asking for stuff, so I’ve compiled a little wish list. And I know you’re saying, but Emily, you’re Jewish, I thought Chanukah wasn’t that big a deal. And I’d say, well, you’re right, but even the so-called choosen people like presents. So let’s get started:
- I wish that Jews actually had a Chanukah Harry. Then I could sit on his lap and could pretend that he cares what I wish for, cause all we Jews have are therapists, and sitting on their laps is really awkward.
- I wish that celebrities would stop bringing babies home as souvenirs from their travels abroad. It’s really admirable to adopt a little brown baby, dress it up, and give it to the nanny to raise. If you want to impress me, adopt a 14 year old American kid, who’s mom was a crackhead. Unless, of course, you’re Whitney Houston or Courtney Love, cause that’s pretty much just putting them back in the same situation. Except this time with a house.
- I wish I didn’t see so much of Britney’s punany this year. The punany peek is the new nipple slip and I don’t like it. And I don’t like that after everything, she went on a shopping spree to buy underwear, cause I know she owned some before this all happened.
- I wish someone invented a pill that you could take instead of getting a full night’s sleep and still feel rested, because at the moment, I’m just sprinkling a little bit of speed on my omelets and I’m really afraid I’m going to get drug tested at work.
- I wish that there were ghetto vegetarian joints, cause I’d love to get my tofu served through some bulletproof glass. It would make me feel like I have street cred even though I don’t get enough iron and Vitamin B.
- I wish that guys that love Girls Gone Wild videos one day give birth to a hot daughter. (Well, not they actually give birth but you know what I mean.) Then they can live in continual fear that they’ll see her on one of the videos and go blind.
- I wish that the Puerto Rican homeless guy by my supermarket would stop talking to me. Just because I look Puerto Rican when I wear my head scarf and hoop earrings (and I do), doesn’t mean we have something in common. I also wish I didn’t understand enough Spanish to know what he was saying, because he’s a dirty, dirty, man.
- I wish that when guys do hit on me, or any girl for that matter, they’d try a better line. When I won’t give you my name, I definitely won’t give you my number. Although I might give you my social security and that’s it, just to see if you can find me. And if you’re going to use a line, use my favorite one: “How do you like your eggs in the morning, girl? Scrambled or Fertilized?” By the way, I like mine overeasy (just how I like my men, he-yo!).
- I wish people would stop saying, “oh, that must be so hard” when they find out my boyfriend is black. It’s not 1774, people. He has a penis, I have a vagina, it’s really very easy. That’s the beautiful thing about biology, it works with all shapes, colors, and sizes.
- And while I love my boyfriend, I wish I had a sugar daddy. Actually, I’d even settle for a sugar mommy. Actually, I’d even settle for a sweet and lo or splenda daddy. And I’d like him to have a twin so my boyfriend can have one, too, because I’m a giver.
- Speaking of mommies, I wish my maternal instinct would stop trying to kick in. I was on a plane sitting next to this six month old that sounded like he had the bubonic plague. He was so sick, he was blowing snot bubbles, and my uterus thought it was a adorable. That’s not right.
- I wish the stuff that I wrote on the train that seemed hilarious at the time, was still hilarious when I told it to people on stage.
- I wish something would happen with my comedy career. I understand if it’s not Live at Gotham yet, but how about a herpes commercial? Seriously, I’ll take anything.
- I wish the G train wasn’t four cars long, and I didn’t live in the longest subway station in the world. It’s getting really tiresome doing power sprints before I’ve even had my coffee.
- I wish a homeless guy (yes, it seems to be a trend with me), didn’t jump in a turnstile with me the other day, because now I feel like I have scabbies. I also wish I haven’t lived I new york so long, that when a rat ran over my foot, my only thought was, “well, I’m glad it’s not summer, cause then it would have run over my bare toes! Now I only have a little bit of the black plague (and yes, I’m realizing from reading this that there are a lot of disesases I may have, so I might want to get those checked out).”
- I wish I didn't have hypochondria.
- I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl, who looked good, I would call her.
- I wish I could rap.
And with that I wish everyone a Happy Hanukah, a merry Christmas, a flippin fantastic Kwanza, and to all, a good night.