The life and times of an ethnically ambiguous little lady.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Useless Facts of the Barely Legal World

I am a very black or white when it comes to making decisions. [Insert reference to interracial dating here.] But there certainly are a whole lot of gray areas when it comes to law and life and it’s an area that I love to explore.

I know that if you grow four marijuana plants in Australia, it’s tolerated because it’s for personal consumption. But if you have five, that’s the intent to sell. I also know that the South Australian police don’t know that. When I went into the police station to ask them while I was studying abroad—I was working on a paper comparing marijuana regulation—they were as helpful on the topic as if I had asked my own mother, and she’s no hippie. This is because the Australian police are barely competent.

I know that in Ventura County, California, cats and dogs must have a permit to have sex. I’m not sure if that means you need a permit if different species are doing it, thus creating a cog or a dat, but it’s still weird. In Fairbanks, Alaska, they do not allow moose to have sex on city streets. That alone would make me not want to own a moose, because I would not want to be the one to tell a randy moose that he can’t get his swerve on.

In Oxford, Ohio, it’s illegal for women to strip in front of a man’s picture. I’m glad I don’t live there, because growing up I was kind of in love with Michael Jackson—you know, when he actually looked human—and I had a big old poster of him on my wall. And I like to dance. I’m sorry; I just can’t contain myself when PYT comes on. You put the pieces together.

In Helena, Montana, it’s illegal for a woman to dance in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. I don’t know if there’s a weigh station in the bar, but apparently pasties weigh two ounces, which I think is a good thing to know.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s technically illegal for women to wear patent leather shoes. Why? Because it might reflect up and men may see something they oughtn’t. First of all, which females over the age of 10 are wearing patent leather shoes? And B) in order for that to happen, I feel like the shoes would have to be especially shiny, the sun would have to be at a 45 degree angle, and you’d have to be a huge pervert to figure that out in the first place.

In Clinton, Oklahoma, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people have sex in a car. Once the windows fog up in the car, what can you really see? Personally, I don’t think that should be illegal, because I think it’s pretty obvious that that’s just gross.

I think that when you get a Brazilian bikini wax it looks like your vagina is barely legal, but it sure is smooth. Additionally, after getting said treatment, I think it should be mandatory practice that you spoon with your waxer and have a cigarette together. After all, what you did together was pretty darn intimate.

I know that it’s illegal to use someone else’s ID, even though you can get away with it. This is especially the case when you find it in the back of a cab and you’re nineteen and you try and use it to get into a club. Additionally you look like me, but the ID says that the girl’s name is Arvesha Patel and she’s 27 and 5”9 and Pakistani. And when the bouncer tells you it doesn’t really look like you, you tell him you got a nose job. And then he lets you in the club. That really feels barely legal.

Having parties when you’re underage is never a good legal idea either. I had a huge party once where about 80 people showed up. My friend with a big mouth told everyone and then had the nerve to show up at the party, but came bearing the gift of Chinese food. But then I noticed it was half eaten. You can call it “leftovers” but that still doesn’t make it okay. Also, when you have a party and don’t get caught by the police, why don’t your parents just sense you were up to no good? I mean, the house is cleaner when they return, then when they left it. Children never have the burning desire to tidy up unless they’re obsessive compulsive.

Another way parents know you had a party? When they open up the soup cupboard, and right between the minestrone and the chicken noodle soup, there’s a Bud Light can. And another note? Don’t blame it on your eight-year-old brother. Parents never fall for that.

I don’t know if it’s legal or not, but I do know that my company is theoretically very aware of everything I look at online. And one time, right when the Vanessa Hudgens naked pictures came out (the chick from “High School Musical”) I was looking at them with my coworker. And I thought we clicked on the safe for work version, but all of a sudden we saw underage lady parts. And I kept expecting a red light to start flashing, an email to simultaneously appear telling us we’ve been terminated, and a door to open in the floor and swallow us up.

I found a movie called Barely Legal. The tagline is “they couldn’t rent it, so they filmed it themselves.” I don’t that’s a good idea. I also don’t think I’d ever be able to make a good sex tape because I’d be so aware we were filming. I’d be in the middle of things, and be like, you wanna do it doggystyle? Does that make my ass look big cameraman? Oh, that totally reminds of this joke… That’s because I barely have a comedy career. Sigh.

Another fun fact? Impersonating an officer of the law is illegal. For my friend’s twenty-first birthday we got a stripper to come to her apartment. He knocked on the door because he heard a call about a “noise disturbance.” Then he proceeded to rip off all his clothes until he was down to a very policeman-like g-string. Without pausing for a second, he turns on his boom box (this was a few years ago), and proceeds to pick up the birthday girl and whirl her around. Only problem is that the birthday girl is almost six-feet tall. And there’s a ceiling fan that I notice, even in my drunken stupor, is dangerously close to her head. And I’m very afraid we’re going to celebrate my friend’s twenty-first birthday with a decapitation. I was so flustered by the event, in fact, that when the stripper came over to where I was perched on the arm of a chair to grind on my leg, I lost my balance and fell on the floor. That’s because I’m barely classy.

And while we’re on the subject, begging for change on subway cars is illegal. Unfortunately, this doesn’t exactly cover the guys that try and do freaking back flips down the subway corridor during rush hour. I’m not sure if that’s completely legal, but you’re still completely dooshebags. Go play on a jungle gym.

I’m not sure if preaching the word of God on the subway is legal or not. But if you are going to do it, please make it amusing. These pointers were developed after watching an actual event:

  • Please tell people they should say “amen” if we think you look good.
  • Please greet every man or woman who looks vaguely Hispanic by the names Juan and Maria. Additionally, when a Hasidic Jew gets on the train, please inform us that you’re going to go talk to your “Jewish brother about money.”
  • Also, please end your spiel with the fun fact that you used to be a male prostitute.

So there are a whole lot of useless fun facts for you. So just remember, when in doubt, don’t do things in a car, without pasties on, or in patent leather shoes and you should be fine. And it makes me realize that there really is a lot of gray area when it comes to the law, but I hope that never changes, because if so, all my friends that are lawyers would be out of a job. And I know a lot of lawyers.

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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Apparently I Sound Like Lisa Simpson

And frankly, I can think of worse things. She's one smart cookie. Even if she isn't a real person.

I was on Keith and the Girl's fantastical podcast again. It's lucky episode #703.

Please, take a listen!

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