Fortune cookie says...

I'm going on vacation to china for 18 days! And I'm very excited.

I'm hoping I don't kill my family in the process (my parents and brother are going with me). At least we won't quite be able to fall into the "stupid American" category as my dad speaks some Mandarin. That's right, the man learned the language in the army. During the Vietnam war. In language school. He's a badass. He said he'll probably be the only one in the country who will be speaking chinese with a Philadelphia accent. I have to agree.

I've also noticed that every single thing I've bought in preparation for this trip is made in China. It makes me wonder what's actually over there that I can't get here. Then again, at least I'll be able to buy right from the underage worker, so it makes me feel good to be able to cut out the middle man.

And of course, there's always the food issue. My mother is having a chinese friend of hers make a sign for me that says in Chinese "Please do not put nuts in food. I can die." Whenever we go to a restaurant I'm supposed to hold it up and cry a little, like I'm holding up my numbers for a prison mug shot.

And a friend of mine told me something interesting about the cuisine. "So here's the thing," she whispered conspiratorally. "My friend went to China last year and told me that they put peanuts in the food, so be careful."

"Oh, thanks for letting me know but I can actually eat peanuts."

"Not peanuts," she said, "penis. The put it in a lot of the food."

"B'scuse me?"

When I told another friend about this story, she asked "Well, are they animal or human?"

What ridiculousness is that? Like if a line cook messes up in the restaurant he becomes a eunich? Guess we'll have to see. I just hope I can get through the 18 hour flight without jumping to freedom...