You Owe Me

One of my best friends just got knocked up. Don't worry, it's a good thing. She's happy about it, her hubby is happy about it, and we, her friends, are all excited, too.

She's my first close friend to have a baby, and I’m realizing it’s really going to change things. No more binge drinking, or staying out till all hours of the night, or taking inappropriate pictures and posting them on the web (because, you know, the baby might see them and be emotionally scarred or something).

More then anything, since I can’t help her carry the baby, I really want to help.

"What do you say to me becoming a midwife? That way I can be useful when the baby pops out," I said to her.

"Thanks, but no," she said, grimacing.

"Oh, come on! I mean, if you can do those online tests to become a priest, it can't be that different to become an untrained medical helper."

But she stuck to her guns, so now all I can do is look for cute baby outfits, and plan how I'll pass along my wisdom to the new baby. Since I don't have any actual wisdom, maybe I'll teach him/her about jokes and gentrifying Brooklyn neighborhoods, which seem to be my only skills.

I'm thinking that something must come over you when you're pregnant because my friend is having an awful time. She's has had to stay home from work because she can't keep any food down and she's losing weight. She's even had to go to the hospital because she was so dehydrated.

How can a child be this difficult before it's even come into the world? Do the hormones shooting through your body make you so loving and patient that you just glow with the light of life? Because I think, if I ever become pregnant, and my child was this much of a pain, it would owe me before it even came out of the womb. None of that "letting a child be a child business," the baby better be supporting mommy in her old age by the time she hits the ripe old age of 5. That’s right, I said get to dancing, Shaquanda!

Then again, maybe it's sign that I'm not quite ready to have a kid yet. Guess I'll just stick to taking care of my goldfish. Actually, it's my roommate's.